It seems likes it been forever and I still cannot get in. Years have been wasted in search, looking for maps, clues, cracks, anything that can produce that golden key that unlocks it all. Blood, sweat and most especially tears have been given to no avail. It is true that I have since given up the fight because the emotional unrest isn't worth it, but it is also true that we have reached a compromise: the fortress and I.
You see, I consider the fortress as a living, breathing being with a mind of its own. One day it is persecutory and the next it is encouraging. It is somewhat ironic that it is made of the same genetic components as the brain with the ability to reason for it host but mine has since developed a mind of its own. A mind within a mind! I have come to peace with the fact that I cannot control it and that has enabled our co-existence; we, after all, share the same body and it has never intentionally tried to harm me. For many years, this was the case.
The faithful day that I discovered the breakthrough to the fortress cannot be undermined. It is going to be a small crack in its foundation that changed everything. I found a control switch buried deep within a lesser, yet substantial fortress, inside the host: the heart. I felt deeply for someone other than myself and I made my heart so vulnerable that I was able to control the fortress for a short while. You see, the heart has to be completely susceptible for the switch that lies within to be revealed. The fortress reluctantly did my bidding and I was able to silence parts of it that scared me. I still couldn't understand it but I didn't care because I had the upper hand. I was on top of the world and I was not prepared for a fall.
The first blow hit me in my peak. It was a knife straight through my heart and it had not fully recovered from it when the second blow came. By the third blow, I was completely shattered and left in the ruins to pick of the pieces. The last bit of dignity was taken away by the scornful sneer of the fortress. The words "I told you so" echoed through my mind for weeks on end. The fortress apparently dropped periodic memoirs while I was in charge, which I deliberately ignored. These memoirs were analyses of my emotions: the source, the span and the aftermath. For every day that I loved, I received a memoir of every emotion I felt, especially the ones I was too afraid to deal with, the ones that eventually broke me.
Since the faithful event I have religiously read every memoir received. I have come to the understanding that I cannot unlock my mind or begin to understand its complexity but I wouldn't want to anyway. Those accounts mean the world to me, especially now that the heart is vulnerable again. It feels new, exciting and different this time because not only do I have both fortresses working together, I have someone willing to read my memoirs with me.